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    		•

    FILMS

    The Count of Monte Cristo (2002)
  • Starring James Caviezel, Guy Pearce, Richard Harris, James Frain, Dagmara Dominczyk, Luis Guzmán, Michael Wincott

  • Directed by Kevin Reynolds

    • Swashbuckling and swords, justice and revenge, backstabbing and asskicking. The Count of Monte Cristo, the most recent adaptation of Alexandre Dumas' novel, is a lot of fun. It's not an Academy-Award-winning flick, but it's pretty damn cool.

    In a perfect world Monte Cristo would've had a few more sword-fights and a few more wicked moments of pure revenge. This isn't a fault of the directors or the actors, I'm not sure if the source material (which I have not read) had any more action in it or not. It's really just a personal taste; I like lots and lots of fighting in action/adventure movies.

    (Fair spoiler warning: Stop reading if you haven't see the movie and don't want to know anything about it.)

    Admittedly, I was a bit confused when I saw this film. The myriad trailers I saw for this film led me to believe that Guy Pearce played the part the man wronged who will seek revenge. As the first 15 minutes of the story unfolded, and Pearce's character behaves more and more like a bastard, the more perplexed I became. How are we supposed to like this guy? (No pun intended.) My slow-witted brain tells me that I'm mistaken, but only when Edmond Dantes (James Caviezel) is being hauled off to jail.

    Oh. Wait. So Pearce isn't the guy that's going to get revenge? He's the one that, later in the film, will have a can of Whoop Asstm delivered to his doorstep? Ah. Gotcha. But wait ... oh, nevermind. Stupid brain.

    The story is fairly straight forward. An innocent dude is set up by a few unsavory characters and ultimately turned in by his Best Friend who is jealous of Dude's successes in life. Dude goes to prison and Best Friend promptly marries Dude's fiancé. Dude is presumed dead in prison. But lucky for Dude, Richard Harris has been tunneling and plans an escape. While they dig (3 inches a day = progress!) Dude learns Italian, Latin, mathematics, and swordfighting. The kind of tools that will prove very useful upon his escape.

    (Side note: I like Richard Harris a lot, but I think I'd have to be pretty desperate to crawl in a dark hole with his stinky, old ass. But our hero, the Dude, is pretty desperate in this film—so it's understandable.)

    Richard Harris dies when their tunnel caves in, and our hero Edmond Dantes (Dude) escapes from Chateaux D'iff which, quite frankly, sounds more like a French resort than a dungeon-filled castle, its inmates going mad from being locked up. Before Harris dies, though, he gives Dude a map to a whole bunch of treasure—to be used for good, not revenge.

    Dude shrugs and makes his way to the treasure (which, by today's standards is the equivalent of the combined sum of Bill Gates' checking and savings accounts). On route to said booty, he makes an acquaintance (Guzmán) in a knife fight. This man becomes Friday to his Crusoe, Watson to his Holmes, Richie to his Fonzie.

    You get the idea.

    This is the sort of movie that can be incredibly cathartic. Everyone has someone that they'd like to get back in a big way—but most of us, being decent human beings, just dream about the nasty tongue-lashings that will never be delivered to those who hurt us. None of us actually have the time, money, or energy to plot and plan another's downfall. That's just so '80s. Nevertheless, there's nothing so sweet and satisfying as revenge. And Monte Cristo delivers it in spades. One by one the Dude's enemies fall to his cunning ploys.

    I wish that my life were adventurous enough to warrant ploys, cunning or not. But alas, I'm just the product of a suburban lifestyle. Very few enemies (just the one hooker and a handful of midgets) and no prison-time of which to speak (traffic tickets don't count).

    If I were in this situation, I'd do it just like Dude did it. I'd be mysterious and enigmatic. I'd walk through parties, letting my mystery and character precede me, and it'd knock my enemies into the punch bowl. I'd hit on their wives (just like dude!) and make everyone uncomfortable in their own homes.

    But most importantly, I'd wear that gigantic flowing red robe. And even though I'd look like a ponce and a nancy-boy, my mystery would make me the envy of my enemies.